JUST

I find that one thing I dislike the most is being left out.  Come to think of it, I'm not sure if I'm okay being upset about being left out of things.  I mean, technically when I'm invited places I often don't attend...so I get invited fewer places.  That makes sense.  It's logical.  However, I think a lot of the reason I don't attend is because I don't trust people and I feel odd.  I have this innate feeling that there's something wrong in me, or something wrong-er in me than others...like I have a target that people are waiting to pounce.  I doubt it's true, but I can't seem to shake it.  How do you shake that feeling?  Do you just hang out with more people and learn to fake it?  Do you eventually learn to be with people without that feeling at all?  Maybe it takes me getting to know individuals on a one-on-one basis first before I can trust.  I wish I knew.  It sure would save me a lot of trouble!

I mean, what comes first, the chicken or the egg?  Do I get left out because I cause myself to get left out?  Or do I get left out because they left me out first and then I responded by declining further offers to not be left out?  Does anyone out there understand what I'm saying?!  If so, can you please explain it all to me too!

I think I'm just tired of feeling like I'm the least on everyone's list.  I know I'm probably exaggerating, but whether or not its true, I still feel this way.  I assume someone would tell me that I'm feeling this way because of the abandonment I felt as a child and how growing up poor and being made fun of caused me to feel like people made fun of me all the time no matter what...blah, blah, blah...I suppose it's partially true.

One day I will be healed.  One day I'll learn to trust.  Or maybe it doesn't matter as long as I trust who matters...?  Or, maybe I don't even know how to trust them?

It's so so hard to cope up especially if you were a victim of bullying since childhood.

I was about to break down the other day...so I got out a piece of paper and wrote.

I just wrote and wrote and wrote.

I wrote down my fears, my irrational thoughts, my arguments within myself, and I wrote.