A simple realization.

I wanted to write about the new music I've been listening to. But I looked around me as I sit here on my bed and realized how tragic my life has been the past two days. I don't know why I just can't seem to stop attracting tragedy in my life. And what's most annoying is the possibility that I just could be getting used to it already.

I look at my bedside table and it's full of stuff from last night. Traces of the terrible nights I had been through. There's a book that's opened in the first few pages lying there facing down. I seriously wanted to take sleeping pills but I thought reading a book might just benefit me more. Crumpled tissue paper have piled up beside a now half roll of tissue paper.

It isn't a pretty sight I know. But I figured that if I cry a few more tears later tonight, I will still need that roll of tissue, and will still keep turning this bedside table into a convenient trash bin for my little white tear relievers.

When was the last time I faced God at my best? Must've been forever. It almost felt like I was raising my arms to him, with a piece of rag in my my hands because THAT was all I had to offer.

Well, at the end of the road, it's God who knows me best.

That no matter what happened, I am so blessed and I am who I am now because of GOD.

A need to CHANGE

My sister told me that whatever you do to make your life go the way you want it, there will always be something that will come along to mess it all up. I guess that's what we all have to live with as long as we're here...change.

There are only so many things you can do to prepare yourself for things to come. Most of which are preparations that deal with financial and emotional concerns. But you know, come to think of it, how can we prepare for everything when our understanding of the world and our lives are limited to only what our minds can comprehend? I guess the answer is simple. We can't.

It goes the same way in relationships the way I see it. You love the only way you know how, thinking that it's going to be enough. But it never is. Change takes place in you, in your partner, and in the world that your relationship exists in. Again, there is no way of stopping the forces of change.

So what is there left to do? Do we just grovel in a corner and let change take away all the permanence we so deeply long for? Is there no reason to hold on to anything in this life?

The answer lies in what we use to "see" things, our mind or our heart. When our heart is open and allows love and contentment to blossom, no matter what happens around us, we'll feel complete. Losing a partner, a friend, a loved one, or a job does not mean that the love and concern you extended for each them disappears along with it. That's what stays behind. That is what change can never ever reach.

Thinking too much and seeing with our minds normally leads to more confusion because we tend to over- rationalize things, without really remembering that it's an exercise in futility. There is no way you can fully justify all the events in life. Just embrace everything that's going on, ride it through and keep on remembering that as long as you have love to give, life will find a way for you to use it. It may not come when you want it and how you want it but that's change...unpredictable.

Life still is beautiful. And I can't wait for the next roll of the dice.

What will i do my Lord?

I’m still thinking about what I should write about.. As apparently any good content won’t be rewarded since the penalty continues and continues and may last for the next half year, if at worst state. But anyways, let me bring out some good content for today. Seems like recently we’ve just played around and haven’t released any lesson or so. But now, let’s grasp something from the emo side.

I believe all of us, you and I and everyone out there has encountered at least a single problem in life. At times, it can be a difficult one, sometimes a little bump you need to move over. And sometimes it also happens, that the problems that you encounter are quite bigger ones that need more of your attention, time and everything. For most christians or Roman Catholics, this is the time when we look back and remember again the master above us, our creator; God. How awful it may sound, we come to forget him often in times we don’t need him. After those trials came into our country, what will be the next? To whom are we going to trust?

Yet, anyway, rest assure that he’s still there for all of us, he’s around us and will guide us through all the odds. (just don’t do the too obvious and too abusive way of asking for his guidance and enlightenment). So, what would be the next thing that you’d gonna do after closing to God? You would come to ask him, What Will I Do My Lord? Am I correct?

To start a little discussion, may I ask all of you; besides asking God for guidance, what else do you do in times of frustration and defeat, else, if you also would come to ask God for something, what would that be?

my wish list...

I want to work as soon as possible after studying. I promise myself to not be a slacker come graduation and find myself a decent job because I have so many plans with my life. I know, I am expecting a bit too much about my future, but I think these big goals will keep me on my toes and work harder when I officially start working.

Aside from getting my own car (a toss up between Honda Jazz or Subaru Impreza), I'd also like to have my own place in the metro. Mama told me she plans to get out of Manila after I study college so there's a possibility that we might leave our house after school. We would probably live now on our own. The thought makes me nervous and excited at the same time. Nervous because I don't know if I'll be able to keep up with the rent and the house (not good with housekeeping) and excited to finally live and buy stuff on my own It calls for more responsibility and responsibility is always welcome! :)

sometime we need to stop and think again...

All you have to do is stop breathing, lift your head up so tears won't fall down your face, hold all the pain up inside and pretend everything's okay, then smile and tell yourself this world's a perfect place until you become numb of all its imperfections.




I'm here in the office staring at the articles I've written. I've visited every website that I could think of just to get distracted and forget what I'm feeling but it's just no use. I plug the earphones and put the volume up and listen to the upbeat songs I have, but tears keep flowing down my cheeks. I can't breathe, this pain is beyond unbearable. I just want to vanish right now.

I am who I am

I'll tell what I really want. I want someone who would let me get me the hours of sleep that I need but still wait for me to wake up and kiss and hug me when I do. I want someone who would tease me about being small and fat but still love me for who I am. I want someone who would go around bookstores and malls and watch movies with me and not complain that he got tired because he went with me. I want someone who would respect that I need to spend time with my family and friends because they are the people who love and care for me just as he does. I want someone who would not hate the boyish aura that I give out but rather be glad that he has a friend and a girl friend in me. I want someone who would have the courage to be mushy, and even write me love letters just because he wants to. I want someone who could spend a lot of time with me, someone who can just hold my hand and sit with me quietly. I want someone who would let me meet his family and make me feel that I'm part of it. I want someone who would understand me and would let me understand him. I want someone who could respect me and let me be who I want to be. I want someone who would listen to me and let me listen to him. I want someone who could be honest to me and not feed me with lies. I want someone who will stay and never go. I want someone who would be loyal and faithful to me and someone who could want, need and love me for the rest of our lives. And that's what I want.

You should know

Guys, you must know that if a girl loved you then, chances are she still loves you heaps now. She's probably crying herself to sleep every night over you while trying her hardest to keep on a happy face during the day. Most likely, she still thinks about you all the time, everyday. She probably still sits there imagining her future with you in it, then thinks back to the past and shatters. Whenever something happens to her, good or bad, she's most likely thinking of you and wishing that she could tell you all about it. Whenever she hears a song on the radio she'll think of you, not only because the song reminds her of you but also how much of her broken life right now can relate to the song. Whenever she watches a romantic movie or sees a cute couple, hand in hand, she starts to die a little more inside knowing that what used to be is now just a memory. Whenever she thinks of you, she smiles, yet at the same time, she is suffering. Although she may not show it, she is suffering a great deal of pain. She's suffering from remembering those happy moments that she'll always remember but it seemed that you've already forgotten. She's afraid that you might forget her along the way as well. On the outside, she may seem like all smiles and laughter, but what is behind the mask is someone who knows really well how to hide themselves. You have no idea just how much pain she is suffering. She still hurts, because the memories of you and her are not only too hard to forget, she also doesn't want to forget, though sometimes she tries to forget, everything just somehow reminds her of you all over again. She re-reads your old texts and convos because she misses you and what used to be. she misses your hugs, she misses your smiles. She misses you entirely. She loves you. She fell for you, and you just watched her fall. Seriously, if you didn't intend to catch her, then don't lead her on, don't get her hopes up, cause the harder she falls for you, the more pain she'll end up having to go through afterwards. Don't tell her you love her if you don't mean it, chances are, she might do something crazy like believe it. For the guys reading this, know that no matter how strong a girl may look on the outside, we all go through some sort of pain on the inside when you leave us. And for the girls reading this, there must've been one boy in particular that was on your mind the whole entire time.